Momma Bootie (a tale of too many Mini-Eggs)

That's what I got. I've known it for awhile but try to ignore it and keep it hidden under my clothes.
Well there's nothing like absolutely NEEDING a new swimsuit to bring the white, startling, cellulite ridden, florescent lit truth to the forefront of your mind.

You may be familiar with "Lands End" who put out a very large number of swimsuits every summer. They market to everybodys body type. Which really means 'What area do you get fat when you gain weight? We will try to rebalance you so you don't look like you've gained weight.'

I had my eye on a couple in the triangle section when I got the catalogue a while back. I even circled them (something I love to do in catalogues- along with putting things in my cart online- kind of pretending I will be buying them) and laid it out on the counter to consider. But then, eventually, my sweet husband who loves to clean up the counters (a huge weakness of mine) threw it in the magazine bin and life moved forward. I was okay with not thinking about being a triangle or how those swimsuits might look a little different on me rather than the models.

Then, the other day, I happened to be returning something at the Superstition Mall and walked through Sears. I remembered that they carry Lands End stuff. With Sadie in the stroller and no other kids, I realized this could be my chance to get my dream swimsuit that could make my body look better than reality.

As I manuvered around plenty of snowbirds and thinking how Sears seems to be more vacant each time I pass through- and how them having Lands End is probably the only reason they aren't completely tanked- and also how Lands End probably can't wait for their contract to run out so they can move to a more awesome store...I came upon one of the swimsuits I circled. Score! They have my size! I'll just grab one size up as well- just in case.

As I walked in the dressing room (no workers around only 1 snowbird) the room beeped loudly.
I started thinking about how they must have put an alarm on the door to tell far away workers someone entered the dressing room and that way they don't actually have to pay a worker to give people numbers and all that. My suspisions about their store barely staying afloat were validated. I started changing and keeping it casual- talking to Sadie (avoiding the mirror until necessary) when...
"Beep!"
What? Are you kidding me?! This thing is going to keep beeping? As if trying this on isn't bad enough? Am I to be made to not only de-robe under florescent lights but also feel like a criminal? Just ignore...
"Beep!"
I looked through the crack half nudey to see if any workers were headed in. I saw the snowbird looking slightly distressed. I tried it on double time and took in all the reality and truth that came with it. Are these bottoms too small?
"Beep!"
affirming my question. So, "just in case" happened and I tried on the bigger size. The top was cute at least. And of course no need to size up there! Not one to linger upon depressing reality, I tried to fast forward to the part where I was fully clothed, exiting, with the beeping discontinued. As I stepped out of the dressing room, the snowbird, now watching me out of her peripheral, moved out of the way. Ha! Still no workers in sight. SOOOO happy to be walking quickly away.
I bought the top, the traded up bottoms, and a swimskirt with an attached panty (all on sale-yea:). I'm going to return the bottoms since I realized they looked just as bad at home. Which brings me to the point of the post...

I have my first mom swimsuit. The swimskirt says on it "Level 1, for maximum coverage" It's like clothes- clothes that can get wet. It covers up the undesirable. It's kinda scary but I'm good with it. Then hopefully when I start actually getting off said momma bootie (and possibly getting a spray tan), I'll be back in some regular bottoms again. Add it to the "somedays" (sooner than later) list.