Motherhood

When I found out I was pregnant with Emma my world changed forever. I could not have been more thrilled. I figured if millions or billions of women had done this before me I could do it too. The first time I started to feel a little nauseous I didn't really mind. Of course I knew that was part of the pregnancy experience. When my life became a non-stop cycle of eating and throwing up (which I hadn't for 10 years prior), I still didn't realize what I was in for. After losing 15 lbs, having to quit my job, getting put in the hospital for dehydration, needing to be chauffeured places by my selfless, very kind sister, all the while wanting to die, my happiness began to wane. I began to refer to my baby as "the leech" as I felt she was sucking the life out of me. I wondered how it even got the name "morning sickness". I wondered if women actually had died from it because I didn't feel too far away. I wondered why I wasn't warned that smells would be so repulsive and nauseating. The worst smell-MEAT! Horrible. The second-Dana. Poor guy would try to get near me and send me running for the bathroom. Probably my bodies way of saying- I got what I needed from you buddy now back off. When my 12 week mark came (the magic moment I had been waiting for) and went and I was into the second trimester without improvement, I knew I was in it for the long haul.

I wanted my mom to save me like she always had before but she was far away (we were in Provo and she was in California) and teaching school. Plus, realistically I knew she couldn't make me better. I really became a stronger person through this. There's something about being very physically sick that makes you very humble. I turned to Heavenly Father frequently and also read all 9 of the "Work and the Glory" books feeling very grateful that I wasn't a pioneer. I just don't think any of us can imagine what they had to endure. This time was my first sacrifice as a mother.

After Emma came out, the leeching continued and seemed much more literal as I tried to figure out nursing. But of course then I knew that she was worth every ounce of pain plus more- anything more that I would have had to give I would have. I was in awe and so in love. I began to see what motherhood was like. Like the quote that says becoming a mother is the first time you walk around with your heart outside yourself.

My subsequent pregnancies have become a little easier each time. Partly due to my body getting very used to throwing up I think. It's just not as painful after hundreds of times. But each time has given me lots of great material for stories-mostly about throwing up in front of strangers. Pregnancy is definetly not my favorite (like most girls I've talked to) but it's hard to get past what an absolute miracle it is and how really amazing it is to be a part of that.

These thoughts and memories have been on the forefront of my mind lately. The older my kids get, the more I realize the impact I have in their lives. It overwhelms me at times as I'm sure it does most mothers. Plus, this has usually been about the time in the past that we've started to gear up for the next baby. I think Emma and Eli have been around long enough to feel the same way because lately I've been hearing things like: from Eli- "Mom is our next baby going to be boy?" and Emma "Can we please get a dog soon?" more frequently than usual. I think she's just heard me tell people too many times that I don't want to get a dog until all my kids are potty trained. She really loves babies but I think she likes animals even more.

I know I'm still in the immature stage of motherhood with my oldest only being 8, I still have a lot to learn. But I fully believe that quote on the side there that says it's the greatest privledge of life. Pardon all my thoughts and no fun pictures. I just needed to get down my feelings. I've been so comtemplative lately I thought this might help. (sorry about all the throw up talk too) Also, I've met many people who have had worse pregnancies than I have- I did start feeling better about 20 weeks so I hope it doesn't sound like complaints.